How do I love my Body?

Having one roll was okay to accept; but when the second roll appeared on my belly, I was very angry.

I hated it, I would look at it the mirror or in the shower and yell at it and squish it and scream. How do I get rid of this thing? This roll of fat that shows everyone I am now a stat, and am overweight and even obese according to some information out there! How could I let myself go like this?

How could I look like something I never wanted to look like? I promised myself I would never become overweight again... I hated me and hated my body. I was angry at myself and and my body. It felt like a betrayal; and it was; I had betrayed myself!!

I have struggled loving me and my body most of my life. I abused myself verbally and physically for many years and in my early forties, I started cutting myself. I was never good enough, never funny enough, never cute enough, and definitely never skinny enough.

Five years I have gone without cutting myself, the verbal abuse has also stopped, but about 6 months ago I had to go buy some new pants... when the size 15 was too tight I lost it, and I lost it on me.

I have gone to counseling, but like anything its a day by day journey. Having Christ in my life has eased many of my daily pressures, and I also know he loves me because he created me in his image.

I have learned that we must be willing to get over the life we had planned... so we can live the life we have... and accept your body as it is right now... my toughest challenge.

Below is a well known love letter, that I read a lot to remind me of who I really am.

Father's Love Letter -

My Child
You may not know me, but I know everything about you Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father 1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore Psalm 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you 1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me 1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen Luke 15:7
I have always been Father, and will always be Father Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is Will you be my child? John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad. Almighty God